Who brought the retard???

Those words just slipped right out.. in our usual friendly banter.. which, by the way is not usually very friendly..And when I say it "slipped" out, it didn't actually slip out all the way.. the last word ended in "re" when the person in question got a handle of the foot she was putting in her mouth, but it was too late, we all knew what she had just said.
It wouldn't have been such a huge faux pas if we weren't invited guests at the home of our friend who has taken in her sister with downs syndrome. But my friend (the one whose home we were at) who has quicker wit than anyone I know, answered her question about who brought the retard.. by saying that she actually lives there.
This sounds much worse than it actually was, and my friend that said it is in fact a very nice individual, sensitive and caring.. that is when she's not making a total ass out of herself. I'm pretty sure that the word retard isn't going to come out of her very loud mouth again.. I'm sure she'll say something else totally inappropriate soon, but til then, we still love her!

Haircutting 101..

I've had the same haircut now for over a decade. It's not really even a haircut, it's just long and straight. Except for this part in the back that's got a weird wave to it. I have 2 pregnancies and crazy hormones to thank for that one!
Some of my friends have been giving me a hard time about my lack of hair style, in fact, they've been telling me that I have hippie hair! I don't know what the hell I was thinking last night.. after my 4th glass of wine.. I agreed to let them cut it! I should have known that it was going to be a disaster when my friend emerged from her bathroom with a pair of scissors that wouldn't cut through a nose hair.. or maybe I should have had them stop when they kept telling me not to worry, that I could go to Supercuts in the morning and get it fixed.. Hmm..
Anyway, I've got substantially shorter hair this morning, with the exception of a few strays that they missed.. And Supercuts is closed.. it's a holiday!

Poop...

What's funnier than poop? Not much, that is unless you're a poop-a-phobe, then there's nothing grosser. I guess these stories aren't for the weak stomached.. but I just love a good poop story.. Naked time in my house has always been something the kids enjoy (and when I say "naked time", I mean the kids are naked, not us, K?) So, when my youngest was 18 months or so, he was doing his usual running around naked, letting it fly, enjoying the freedom of no diaper. I had my hands full changing a diaper of a baby I was caring for, so letting him cruise around naked at that point of the day was not the smartest move on my part.. for sure! But I just happened to catch out of the corner of my eye, my son squatting on the fireplace hearth. Before I could do anything about it, he had already made a nice pile of pooh right there for everyone to see! And smell.. yuck. At least he did it on a surface that was easy to clean..not like the carpet.. which thankfully has only been pooped on my friends dog, and she didn't so much poop on it as just drag her ass over it! Lovely..
So, pretty much anytime your kids are naked, you're essentially asking for trouble. But they have to take baths right? And putting a diaper on them for that wouldn't be too smart, so you don't even think about it.. that is of course until the first time that your kid has an accident in the tub. That's a messy mess! If your lucky, it'll come out in nice logs, or at least marble size little pellets. If God is playing a joke on you, or karma has come back to bite you in the ass, then you're going to get diarrhea, lots of it, and you're not going to notice it until your kids are screaming and flinging it at each other because you're too busy reading this really good book! Yea, that's right!
Are you all grossed out yet? There's more! How about teaching your 5 year old to wipe his own butt! He might as well not even use toilet paper because it only ever gets on his hands! Which reminds me of another story. About a year ago when my oldest was 4, he came up to me and said "Mom, smell my finger, what is that?" Never smell a finger, it's only going to be disgusting. But of course I do because he's my kid, and as a parent you have to smell pretty much anything they ask you to smell. So, course it smells like shit, and I ask him where did he put his finger.. and he so nonchalantly says "in my bum" Hmm.. He's starting to discover his body..which holes smell and which don't!
Well, I think I've said enough about poop, but don't think that's the end of my stories.. I'm sure I could tell a million more.. maybe someday I will!!

Please don't let him sleep..

Those were my last words to my husband as I left for work tonight. My youngest son hadn't napped all day, and was definitely tired, but if he napped at 5:30, then he would be up til 10, and quite frankly, I don't want to have to deal with that tonight.. It's Friday, I'm in much better shape than I was last Friday, (the cotton pony rode out of town earlier this week;) I want to come home to 2 boys ready to go to bed, have a few drinks, and enjoy my husbands company.. Not that I need to drink.. blah blah blah.. I'm just so much thinner when I'm drinking..and much less inhibated..blah blah blah..
Ok, time to get going.. hope the kids are still up!!

Dumb bitch...

I won't write too much about this because it's only going to ruin my good mood. But on my way to work tonight, some swank hootie tootie beatch was at the crosswalk on the hospital campus, just as I came around the corner. She got there too fast for me to do anything about it, and I proceeded through.. And that dumb bitch pointed down at the crosswalk and yelled "that's for me" What the F@#k??? I would have stopped if I could have, but I didn't need some asshole leaving the healthclub, her hair all damp with either sweat or having just showered, yelling at me! It has finally stopped raining.. the sun is shining..it's Friday, and the beginning of a 3 day weekend! Ugh, I should have stopped, let her go and then plowed her down! Dumb bitch!

Put the P in Vagina..

Today my oldest son commented when I was changing my niece, that her pee pee looked different. I told her that's because she's a girl and she has a vagina. He asked what he had, and I reminded him of his penis (this isn't the first time he's heard that word) Vagina, however, was a new one. And like most new words he hears, he wanted to practice it, and be able to say it well. So, we played a game, we named everyone we knew, and I said "does so and so have a penis or a vagina" He did very well and definitely knows the difference between boys and girls. The only problem is that he really can't say vagina that well, he says pagina. Which I think is a lovely way to say it. The V in vagina makes the word so harsh, but you put p in Vagina (ok, haha) And it just sounds so much better.
I thought he might want to share that with my husband when he got home, but the minute I brought it up he got all shy, and didn't want to talk about it. Can't say that I blame him.. but I thought for sure he'd be proud of what he'd learned today!
I'm hoping he doesn't go telling everyone he sees that they have a penis or pagina.. I don't think his grandmother would be too psyched to hear that one! I don't think he will though, but I'm making a mental note to make sure that he doesn't!

Alone at last..

Why do I love being alone so much?? Oh, dumb question.. is it because I'm never alone, ever? That all day long someone needs me.. someone wants me.. and not in that wonderful way when I was 22.. hah! Long gone are the days when to be wanted and needed felt wonderful, when I flourished in my co-dependency! It was different in those days. Being needed today means someone's hungry or has a poop. Or someone needs a hug, or a boo-boo that needs a kiss. Or someone wants to get into the very messy finger paints, or the playdoh. Or someone has just whacked someone else with a light saber (yea, very bad idea!) Or someone just wants to tell me that he loves me.. because I got him the best toy in his happy meal. Like I had something to do with what toy he got! Awh.. life is sweet, even though it's not the quiet serene life I used to have.. The chaos that makes my ears ring long after bedtime is the best...

Wiggle Wiggle you're the one..

I'm in love.. His name is Anthony.. he's cute and dreamy, and is great with kids. In fact, he used to be a kindergarten teacher. He plays the drums, and the guitar. He can sing too! He's from Austrailia so he has the most wonderful accent. My husband knows all about this, so do my kids.. My oldest one will tell you that Anthony's my boyfriend.
I never would have known about Anthony if it wasn't for my children, and their slight obsession with The Wiggles.. Anthony is the blue one, and the undisputed cutest of the quartet. That's an unfortunate drawback about kids programming, for me anyway. When you've spent hours listening to their music, and watching their shows and their movies, you're bound to let your mind wander a bit.. Like, I wonder what Anthony looks like without his blue shirt on.. or what's under those black pants.. hmm.. I know it's sick, and I'd be the first one to tell you that if he was just walking down the street, I probably wouldn't give him a second look. But since he's in my house all the time, either playing on the cd player, or on the tv, then I'm going to start to wonder. Of course I wondered first about what kind of man would get on stage and dance like a caveman, or be best friends with a friggin dinosaur. Those thoughts were fleeting when I realized that it's genius. The Wiggles are millionaires, and marketing moguls! They've tapped into a huge audience that buys their shit up, parents of small children, the biggest suckers ever!
Well, this has what my life has become.. my days of being in love with Dave Matthews, or other real rock stars are long gone, replaced by an average type of guy who kids adore...

Sex and A.A.

Is it a problem that my husband and I only have sex when we're drinking? Or at least 90% of the time? Recently my husband expressed that he was concerned that our sex lives were intertwined with drinking.. and that he thought it might be a problem.. Of course he brought this up when I had just finished pouring myself a cc and ginger on a Friday night. That's become a ritual of ours, to hang out on Friday night and drink whiskey and gingerale! It's something that I usually really look forward to during the week. For me it's like killing two birds with one stone, I get to unwind from my hectic week with a couple of drinks, and get some lovin at the same time..it's harmless! It's not like we do this every night, or even every Friday.
I think my husband was feeling insecure, thinking that I only found him attractive when I'm drunk. That's crazy, I find my husband very attractive! 90% of the time!
The worst part of this whole thing, is that it's Friday today.. and tonight my husband and I are going out for a romantic dinner..some drinks.. then NO action whatsoever when we get home because I mounted the cotton pony hours ago! I might as well stay in and go to bed at 8.. ugh!!!!

Parenting do overs..

Here are a few things that I would try again with my kids.. do over if you will..

1.) I would never let my kids sleep in my bed again. The family bed never works, I don't care what Dr. Sears says, he's wrong, and Dr. Phil is right!

2.) When your toddler asks you what time it is, never say "half past a monkey's ass quarter to his balls" That'll just get you in trouble!

3.) Don't leave your toddler alone in the bathroom while you shower. He may just shave off an eyebrow!

4.) It's probably not a good idea to tell your child that if he doesn't brush his teeth, they're going to fall out.. especially when his baby ones haven't yet!

5.) I probably wouldn't have my kids think "Jesus" is a bad word.. like shit or fuck is..

6.) I wouldn't bark like a dog at bedtime to make my 2 year old be scared enough to sleep.. I know that sounds really mean, but it works, and sometimes with him, I have to do whatever it takes! So he won't ever want a dog, what's the harm in that??

7.) I took my oldest son when he was 4 to visit my grandmother's grave. Not the smartest move on my part, considering since then he's been obsessed about getting old, dead, and buried. What the hell was I thinking??

8.) Always show affection for your partner.. don't be sparce either because one day when your 5 year old son walks in on a rare hug between you and your husband, it could potentially crush him!

Ok, I think that's enough for now.. I sound like a horrible parent..but I'm still learning!

The Booger Buffet

I don't think there is anything grosser than a kid with his finger up his nose.. that is however, until he puts whatever treasure he's come away with, into his mouth. Now, having said that.. it's with great disgust and disappointment to report that my 5 year old son has developed this nasty habit. I was horrified the other day when visiting with a friend (we'll call her db) when we both saw him put his little digit up his nose, and then right into his mouth! Both db and I exploded with the total grossness of his actions..ewh!! Realizing the reaction my son had gotten, he did it again.. thinking it was funny. Db, who apparently has quite a weak stomach, started gagging. This made it even funnier for my son, who started picking the other nostril, laughing all the while. He finally stopped, but not until we firmly told him to.
At that point, I think it's done. I hadn't ever seen him do it before so I think I've done my parenting, and nipped this one in the bud. That is until dinner last night, when my husband and I witness him do it again! What the @#!&!! We then get into this big discussion about how rude it is, and that boogers are germs, and if he didn't want to get sick, he had better stop eating his snot!
Then Db came to visit again today, with another friend (we'll call her cd). Something sparked in my sons memory, and again at the kitchen table, during lunch he dove in there for yet another tasty treat! Ugh, this of course was for db's benefit, and what luck to have another set of eyes to witness the horror! Cd was just as horrified, although I believe she has a stronger stomach than db- well, I know she does..someday we can talk about what the initials mean! :)
He only did it once today (I think). I'm just going to have to watch him closely and drill him about the consequences of eating his own snot..you know, germs and disease.. I don't want him to be the kid at the playground that no one wants to be around cause he's eats his boogers! Or the kid that everyone teases.. basically it's just that.. my motherly paranoia about my son getting picked on.. no pun intended! ha!

Power Tools

This will be quick as I've got 3 kids 2 and under in my care, and my ever so helpful 5 yr old.
I've got a hobby or two.. one of them is making signs.. this is how queer I've become in my 30's..sign making and quilting! Good lord I sound like my grandmother. Anyway, over the weekend I bought some wood for my husband to cut for me. I've got a couple of signs to make for a sister in law, she wants them for her husband for father's day. So, I'm thinking I really should start them soon, and have been making suggestions to my husband to cut the wood.. I couldn't just come out and tell him, that would be nagging, and I certainly wouldn't want to be accused of that. So after the wood just sat there for 3 days, I decided that I could cut it myself.. I am afterall a very capable and intelligent woman, I've got a house full of kids for christ sake, I can cut some friggin wood!
Hmm.. maybe not.. Luckily I didn't lose a finger, or get a stray splinter in my eye.. What the hell was I thinking?? The wood is now on my deck in split up pieces, not quite sign quality! I only wanted to use the circular saw to cut a straight line right through the wood.. not make the horrible mess that I did.
I guess the point is that I have no business with power tools..not yet anyway. My husbands not going to be too psyched about this either. Next time, maybe he'll just save me the hassle and money of having to get some more wood, and just do it for me! He should know that when I want something done, I want it done like yesterday! Or, maybe I'll just practice and learn how to do it myself.. yea, I'll do that right after the monkey's fly out of my ass!!

New baby in the house!!

Today I started watching my twin sister's 3 month old baby girl.. my hands are now officially full! Well, I can't say that, tomorrow is going to be the biggest challenge when I have my brother in laws daughter (yes, also my niece). She's 11 months old, and has proven to be very easy to care for. Although she started crawling not too long ago.. the days of her just sitting there are long gone! I must say though, I enjoyed being with my new niece today..she's such a sweetheart, and she's my twins daughter so I love her to death! It's a lot easier caring for kids that you geniunely love, and luckily I do!
My sister was at my house early (really early!! 6:40) Which might sound late for some people with kids, but not me! However, I'm adjusting.. I've got my coffee pot set to brew at 6:30 and it'll only be every other week at that ungodly hour. But I'd do just about anything for my twin, so getting up early to help her out is nothing. The poor girl though, showed up at my door in tears.
Which I expected, I remember going back to work after my first one was born. I shed more tears than I thought possible. Not so much with the second.. I think I was running for the door to get back to work! It's never easy leaving your baby the first day with someone else. You feel like you're going to miss so much and that they might get confused about who "mothers" them. Which is crazy, but it feels pretty real when you're in the moment.
I'm at work right now.. at my "job" which is kind of a joke in itself. I work for 1.5 hours a day (outside the home I should say..I work there too much, and there's never any overtime, or raises or glowing reviews!) I come here at 5:30pm and leave at 7 pm. It's a stay at home mom's wet dream let me tell you!! If women were to get wet dreams.. but I love it.. am I getting my point across?? It's just enough time for the kids to miss me, and for me to have some time alone. It's an office job in a hospital, answering phones and booking appts. Mostly dr's offices calling, but most offices are closed at 5, so I can usually just sit here and do nothing! And I'm totally alone!!!! It might be better than a wet dream!
My sister and her husband came to pick up their daughter after work. My kids love their uncle! My oldest ran right over and gave him a big hug when he got there.. he doesn't get to see him everyday so it's a big deal when he does. Later at dinner, my husband told my son that his feelings were hurt when he gave his uncle a hug, but hadn't given him a hug when he came home from work. That prompted my son to get right up and give his dad a hug.. it was sweet. Then a few moments later, when my 5 year old had given this some thought, told his dad that he didn't give him a hug because he didn't want to hurt his uncles feelings.. Kind of funny how he thought that up, and even more funny that his dad was home long before his uncle got there! My son did promise his dad a hug everyday after work, that made his night! Later, after his little brother is in bed, my husband has promised to show him his "Star Wars" collection.. yep, I married a dork! He's got a ton of toys still in their "original boxes." All stored away, not being played with.. maybe doubling their value before we die...so they'll be worth ten bucks instead of five! I hope that my son forgets about it, and just goes to bed. It's going to be torture on me otherwise, he'll be begging me to open the box, so that he can just look at them again.. ugh, it has potential nightmare written all over it! Especially if my youngest gets wind of it.. he's even more relentless! Well here's to short term memory in 5 year olds.. and to Star Wars fans who play with the toys they buy!!

Sunday..

My husband is at a soccer game tonight.. which means I have the wonderful task of getting the boys bathed and ready for bed. That's always amusing, especially with the younger one terrorizing his older brother in the tub. My poor older boy, scared to death of his little brother. Always hitting him, or splashing him in the tub. Taking away his toys or stealing his underwear (he usually ends up wearing his Incredibles underwear over his pants, it's the David Lee Roth look all over again!)
On Friday I took the boys in for their 2 and 5 year checkups. They both are right on schedule with their height, and weight. No shots this time, thank god, there's nothing worse than watching your kid get poked with a needle, while you hold them down.. I'm surprised they have any trust in me whatsoever. My older son went first, showing his little brother the ropes. He did a great job, he took nice big breaths while the doctor listened to his heart and lungs. He opened wide so that he could look in his mouth. And he even layed down and let the doctor examine his privates, what a trooper! My youngest watched on anxiously while his older brother did what he was supposed to, then put on a brave face and let the doctor do his exam. It went very smoothly, and didn't involve anyone hitting the doctor (you never know with the little one) And we almost got away scott free of any issues. But then my olders son speech came into play. We decided that he could use an evaluation with a therapist. He talks fine to me, and of course I understand everything he says- but considering I'm with him 24-7, that makes sense. I don't think he's got any major speech issues, but he's definitely got some articulation issues. I'm hoping that it's going to be an easy fix, and won't interfere with his school in the fall...I'm so afraid of him being labeled. Of course everything about him starting school scares me.. It's hard to imagine just handing him over to someone for 5 hours a day, someone that will discipline him, and teach him.. Someone that's going to one day be important to him.. can't he just stay my baby forever?? He's already told me that he wants to marry me.. I'm going to miss one day not being his world.. I know that it's a healthy thing for him to get out there and be with his peers.. I just didn't know it was going to happen so quickly!
Well, I've got to start on my evening duties with the boys.. as much as I would love to sit down and have a glass of wine.. I don't see that happening.. If I do get them to bed at a decent hour, I'll be too friggin tired to do anything but go to bed with them! It's such a glamorous life I lead!!!!!

Monday..

Ugh, what a crazy weekend. Mother's day has come and gone, thankfully.. all the guilt that comes with it hasn't seemed to linger like it usually does. I didn't get my mom anything but a card. I can't seem to remember what I did last year, but I think it involved some sort of gift.. maybe I'll make it up later. That's never the same though.. My husband tried to make up my lousy mothers day by getting take out. He really messed it up this year. The only thing I requested was a nap! I couldn't have made it any easier on him than that. So if all I want is a nap, which by the way was with my 2 year old, so it's not like I got to stretch out and really enjoy a good sleep, then don't you think he would have just let me go, have my nap, and definitely, under no circumstance wake me up in the middle of it? Poor dum dum. He woke me up about 20 minutes into my glorious nap, my mothers day gift to myself, to tell me that he was going to buy me a plant and stop at the grocery store. The house wasn't on fire, and my older son hadn't swallowed something fatal. So what the hell was he doing waking me on my very special day?? Ugh. Needless to say it ended up being a bitter battle about how I was being selfish, and how he was an ass. I won. I haven't decided what I'm doing (or not doing) for Father's Day. Maybe I'll take the higher road and actually show some appreciation for what he does as a dad.
I should stop.. now I'm feeling guilty. He's really a great guy, and I'm lucky to have shared the past 14 years with him. As lucky as he is to have won my heart and remained in my life. He was a huge help at the party! Especially when the tent we borrowed blew over in a huge wind gust and when we ran out of propane and had to "grill" the burgers on my pancake griddle, and cook the hotdogs in the toaster oven. Great fun!

My first entry....

I don't know what the hell I'm doing this for.. Hill said it would a great way to get my "shit" out.. I know another great way of getting my shit out.. it's called "shitting" and I do it quite regularly each and every morning..
Enough about me though.. and my bowel habits. Let's talk about my life, and what it's like to be 32 years old, gorgeous, and a mother of 2 incredibly adorable boys. Hmm.. it's exhausting, and wonderful, and tiring, and humbling, and most often hysterical.. did I say that I'm tired yet?? I've been busy this week planning a birthday party for both of them, it was genius having 2 kids 3 years and 8 days apart! Welcome to sharing a birthday- forever!! I was opposed to that initially, thinking it wouldn't be fair, but I'm a twin, and have shared my birthday my entire life, and I turned out just fine. Well, we can judge that later, but I don't think any "issues" that I have came from sharing a birthday with my sister.
So, back to the pahty!! It's May.. a beautiful spring month, you know, April showers.. May flowers and all that crap.. it's been more like April Showers.. May downpours.. of course it's going to rain tomorrow, the day of the party, pour and be around 45 degrees! Perfect! I can't wait to cram 30 people in my house.. Oh, and why am I having 30 people to my house for my 5 and 2 year olds birthday?? Because I'm insane!
Speaking of insane, I was crazy thinking I could finish this uninterrupted!! Later