Friday, July 20, 2012


I forgot to post this back on June 12th..when I actually did turn 40.. oh well, better late than never!

I am 40 today. FORTY! WTF? I am a mix of emotions right now, and honestly, I didn't think I'd give a shit. But as I awoke this morning, from one of the best dreams I have had in ages, I started thinking of that number. 40! I have never been one of those women who lie about their age, and I never understood why anyone would. but right now, I kinda get it. I was 39 yesterday, and today, I'm 40!  How did I get to be this old, this quickly? I know that 40 isn't really that old, and according to the cashier at walmart who carded me on Friday for my Longhammers, I don't look 40.. I'm not even sure what that is supposed to look like, but I guess, not me! When I was in my 20's, long before I had any children and when my life to that point had dragged on at a snail pace, I thought that people in their 30's were pathetic, and people in their 40's were washed up. Of course I have gained much wisdom since then, and I understand the reason my life seems to be flying by at an alarming rate, is because I am so busy. I don't spend my free time wondering what to do with myself like I did before I had kids. In fact, there is no free time. I know there should be, and one day there will be, but for now, it's not about me, it's about my kids. When you have children, you are no longer living for yourself. It's all about them. As it should be.
Besides waking from a most wonderful dream, about my most favorite band, the first day in my 40th year took a drastic turn into suckville. My husband left for work, said goodbye, and completely forgot that it was my birthday. To his credit, he had thrown me a surprise birthday party the Saturday before, so he was pretty much "over" my birthday. Still, it stung and the only thing that made me feel better was the fact that I knew he was going to feel like shit when he remembered, and the euphoria I was still experiencing from my most wonderful dream, in which my boys gave me a private show! Fantastic.
My day proceeded on with my girls, who had finished their first year of Kindergarten the day before. Summer was starting. My youngest son and his entire grade, were heading over to the park across the street from us, so we decided to join them, and try to shake off the suckiness that had started to settle. I got to watch my son play baseball with his classmates (he's an amazing baseball player btw, really!) And I got to chat with one of my favorite mom's from the school.  It wasn't long before my girls were tired of being at the park, and they wanted to go home, and when they're ready, they're ready. We headed and I did my normal getting home stuff..checking my email, and checking the caller ID. I saw that my mom had called. She was at my sister's house watching her boys for the day..a bit of a birthday gift to me! Her message sounded weird. She sounded weird. "ok, just give me a call when you get a chance" I called her right back, and she's now sounding really weird. She wants to know if I can come and get her. She's been having some vision problems, and is really dizzy. She would drive herself home, but the vision thing.. She thinks she'll be fine if she can just lay down. I managed to get the girls in the car, grab car seats for the boys, and get to my sisters in record time. When I arrive, she's outside, waiting. She somewhat stumbles to the car, I grab the boys, and I have no doubt that part of this day is going to be spent in the ER. After making a couple of phone calls, my sister meets me at the hospital, her husband picks up the boys, and my mother is admitted for having a stroke. I don't want to sound like this is all about me, but jesus! A stroke? On my 40th..ughhhh.... ok, so she ends up being just fine. They keep her for a few days, and come to find out, the reason she went all strokey was because she hadn't taken her blood thinners for a few days..because she had no money for the meds. Both my sister and I have told her it's cheaper for us to buy her prescriptions than it is for us to bury her! But she feels bad, and I get it, but then again, I don't! I have told her, more than once that I'm not interested in finding her dead. I'm just not. I know that most likely I will, because she lives with me, but finding her dead because she's too proud, or whatever, to ask for help, is just something I'd rather not live with forever. ya know?
Back to me now.. and my husband..who came home to hear about my mother being in the hospital, still not remembering that it was my birthday. It wasn't until my nephew came over to cook dinner for me, when he remembered. Yes, he felt horrible, and no, it didn't make me feel any better.  The one thing I wanted for my birthday, besides a party, was an ipad, or a new ipod (I knew the ipad wasn't gonna happen, but I thought for sure he would replace my old crusty cracked 1st generation ipod with a nice new shiny one). However, it turns out, that the party was my present. That was the straw that broke this 40 year olds back.  I tried acting like it didn't bother me that there was no gift. I didn't want to sound like an ingrate. I knew it was a lot of work for him to throw me a party, and I was so happy that he did. But he knows me well, and despite me begging him to stop asking me what was wrong, I had to tell him.. he felt horrible again. This was not my intent. It really wasn't. If I hadn't had such a lousy day, with my mom having a stroke and all, I probably would have been fine. That was however, just how the fucking forty year old cookie crumbled.
I went to bed that night, tired..and hoped that maybe I would have that dream again..but I didn't. I did however sleep straight through the night, even when my girls climbed into my bed and took their assumed positions, one on each side of me. I have no doubt that the rest of my 40th year will be better than the first. I always set the bar of expectations pretty low, which I gotta say, is genius. It leaves very little room for disappointment! It would appear that even though I'm washed up, I'm still pretty fahkin smaht! ;)