Sunday, March 17, 2013

Growing Up..


Im not sure how to stop this process..this whole growing up business, or how to slow it down. I try to soak it all in, to slow myself down long enough to be present in these fleeting moments. It's hard not to get caught up in the hustle of my daily insanity, and just wish for the sun to set and rise again in the hopes of a better day. I have had times where I wished that life had a fast forward button. The girls infancy, and all 3 of my pregnancies were times I wished I could have skipped a frame or two!

Yet, here I am now. My oldest son is almost a teenager, my youngest son will be hitting double digits soon. And my twins are turning 7 this summer. I no longer think of the fast forward button..but I wouldn't mind a pause button..even a rewind one.

This past week, my oldest son received the Student of the Month award (again!) Last May, he received it for the first time. It's a surprise to the students, and no one knows until the assembly when they see their parents sitting in the front row. I am so immensely proud of this boy. One of his teachers introduced him, and explained why he was chosen. I had to fight back the tears as she described my son. He is everything she said. Kind, unassuming, helpful to others. Smart, thoughtful, and an all around great person. MY kid! I have only ever wanted a few simple things for my kids. To feel loved, and secure, and to have an inherent sense of right and wrong. I have spent many nights laying in bed thinking, and worrying. I really never had much stability growing up. We moved a lot, and the one constant in my life was my grandparents and the house they owned, a place I spent most of my childhood. I know that late night thinking, is never rational, not for me anyway. It's when the darkness of my house creeps into my thoughts. I wonder if I'm doing this whole mom thing ok. I worry that my husband and I aren't providing them with enough life experiences, like a vacation to Disney, which I have sworn and still do, that if I ever have enough money to take them to Disney, I still won't.. There are way more interesting places to take them with that kinda money! It's usually not until I see my therapist, and explain all of this to her, that I realize im looking at the glass sort of half empty, rather that almost full. I am so worried about my children not having a childhood like mine (which by the way wasn't always terrible, I do have many good memories from it! I'm not as broken as I may be leading you to believe here!) that I dont realize how completely different their upbringing has been in comparison to mine. All the things I would have wanted for my own childhood, I am providing to my own kids. It's a pretty gratifying feeling, not o think you totally suck! Everyone should try it!