Tuesday, January 13, 2015


About 4 years ago, I decorated the exterior of my house for Christmas. Each year, it's gotten bigger, more lights, and a different theme. Last year, I strung up lights on the roof, in a chevron pattern. One year, I took upon a Patriotic theme. This was the year Obama got voted in and I was proud of our fellow Americans. My roof was lite up like our flag..This year, I took 7 downed trees from the woods behind my yard, strung them up with lights, and stuck those bitches in the ground (deep of course). I did some weird thing on my roof which at different times looked like a landing strip. It was not my favorite year, but I already have ideas for next year..if I decide to do it again..You see, this year, our town had a lighting competition. It was put together by some of the local Boy Scouts and our fire department, with proceeds going to a local charity. I paid the $25 entry fee, and they came by on the Saturday before Christmas to judge it. The following day they planned a live announcement at the fire station, and everyone was invited to attend. I won't say the turnout was huge..it wasn't. But they plan on doing it again next year, and I'm sure the turnout with be even better. I dragged my girls with me, and my husband laughed when I asked him if he wanted to go..he stresses out every year when day after day, he comes home to MORE lights..more electricity..he bought a solar panel to offset the bill. Stress about bills might kill him eventually.. I would have been more surprised when our name was called if one of the fire fighters didn't say, as I walked by him on my way in, "There's the winner" to one of his buddies. Duh. So, yup, I won. And what did I win? Bragging rights, our name on a plaque on display at the town hall (I think), drive by's, and a basket of Lindt chocolates. Oh, and pressure. Pressure to go bigger and brighter than last year..I might bow out when I'm on top, ya know? 

18 months later....

It's been about a year and a half since my last blog post. It's weird. I think about my blog everyday. I'll have moments when I think that what is transpiring in my life is blog worthy. Lots of moments, for example when my mom almost died from a misdiagnosis from her primary care doctor, the doctor that I had referred her to, and had had myself since I was 22.
Another worthy blog post could have been when my douche bag brother got arrested for robbing several banks in New Hampshire, and Southern Maine. He doesn't recall the events, on account of him being all high on heroin. It was great fun for my mother, recovering from her near death experience, and her 7 week stint in a rehab facility. Oh, and getting a shit bag that she still has. Remember that my mom lives downstairs from me..the shit bag needs to be emptied, and burped daily. Do you have any idea what your shit smells like when it doesn't go through all the shit, that our shit goes through? It's like raw sewerage, toxic and completely unfiltered...Our shit actually smells good, compared to the other shit! I also learned that shit smells rise. Yup, that's been awesome..I love my mom, and I empathize with what she's going through, but our noses need a voice too!
Back to the my brother, who, btw, is my half brother! Don't think I haven't disclosed this many many times. It's important that people understand that despite my biological link to him, we have different Dads. Very different Dads. He got pretty screwed over by the gene pool..he sorta drowned in it. I don't have any good memories of him, he was 5 years older than me and has been a total and complete dick to me and my 2 sisters as far as I've allowed myself to remember.  I'm sad for what his actions have done to my mom. She is cursed by that bitch unconditional love, and as much as she wishes she could UN-love him, she can't. I often wondered how my brothers story would end. This wasn't the first unbelievable thing he did. He's got 8 (or 9) kids. None of whom he raised. Tried to kill himself more than once (but never wanted to do it bad enough for it to actually work.. but it did garner him some attention, something he couldn't live without.) I could write a book about the shit he's pulled, but who'd read it? It's tragic..It's sad, and it's over. 23 years in jail..he'll be 69 when he gets out..  if he doesn't croak in jail..which I'm sure he will.
There are many other things that have been blog worthy, good things! Really good things..but I don't want to spoil them by being the fabulous ending to this crappy crap. They deserve their own post!

Friday, August 09, 2013


We took the kids camping this week..camping is a lot of fucking work! But this time we went to a new place. Normally, we go to White Lake, which is a lovely campground, but has no hook ups for our little pop up tent. This time, I thought we would go to one that has a few more perks. Electricity. Water. Wifi. A little piece of heaven. But still a lot of fucking work. The campground itself was ok. It was just up the road from White Lake. It was small, the beach sucked, there was a pool (which the kids loved) and not one mosquito, which I found just weird. We stayed 3 nights, and I slept like shit for all of them. The first full day at the campground, we left and took the kids tubing down the Saco River. I hadn't been on the Saco since my senior year in high school, when a bunch of my friends and I did a camping trip after graduation. It's changed a lot, and there were quite a few people in tubes, floating down the river. I wish I had realized that water shoes would have been smart..or that sunscreen works better when you don't forget it in your car..2 miles down the road. My kids loved it though, and thankfully, their half Portuguese skintone makes them tan..and not burn. Halfway down, we stopped at a beach along the river and had lunch. We were exhausted by time we got back to camp, but that doesn't mean that I got to take a nap, or lay down. It meant, that everyone was still hungry, and that I had to feed them. Another perk to this campground, was a gas grill at your site! That was THE BEST! Seriously, campstoves, and open fire cooking suck compared to a gas grill! I might have to insist we take ours next time we go to White Lake (that, and a generator, because having power was great!) We came home today. We woke up this morning to some rain, and then some downpours, just as my husband and I were breaking everything down. It was fun getting in the car, and driving home soaking wet. Not as much fun as getting it unpacked though..if I smell campfire again, it'll be too soon. I haven't completely unloaded the camper yet..quite frankly, I'm scared to. The smell this morning was a combination of bacon, 10 year old boy farts, and bad breath. I'm not exactly looking forward to revisiting it anytime soon..Despite the smells, and the moments when I wanted to throttle a kid or two, it was still a lot of fun, and another memory for their childhood vault! Here's the 6 of us on a little hike..and a moment that I begged them all to shut up and smile!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

forty one

I turned 41 today. There were no strokes, unlike last year. And my husband remembered it (unlike last year.) No drama, or stress, or tears, or worry. Just another birthday. Mellow and low key..perfection! My kids have one more week of school, and then summer vacation. Roughly 9 weeks of nothing to do, and barely a care in the world. We've had our pool up now for over a month. We were able to go in it around Memorial Day weekend when we had a small heat wave. It was wonderful. We threw in the a/c, and ran out of towels from all the trips in the pool (and my kids inability to remember to use the same towel!) That was the last of the heat. Since then it's been more or less raining, sorta cold, and just generally crappy. Summer does not appear to be in a rush to get here, but I won't be seeing as much of it as I would like, due to the fact that I'm going to be working a lot more this summer, and my husband will be home with the kids. My new job in the ER is going well. It's an entirely different world working in an emergency room. It's barely been 2 months, and I've seen more blood, more gashes, tick bites, severed fingers and dog bites than I ever thought I would witness in my lifetime. I've got some great stories already, like the man who checked in after he accidentally cut his neck while using a saw. The nurse that was sitting next to me, asked to see it, thinking it would be something benign, and easy to fix. He was afterall, just standing there with a towel on his throat, and had driven in. How bad could it be? I wish I had looked away, or had been doing something else. Instead, I was focused on this man, this poor man, who had no idea the severity of his injury, until I saw it, and gasped. I'm pretty sure the entire waiting room heard my gasp, and I have no doubt that they all saw me cover my mouth just to stop the long horrified gasp from escaping any further. There was an opening in this guys neck. I'm pretty sure it winked at me, or at least tried talking to me. It was 3 inches long, an inch wide, right across his jugular. He was sent to the Operating Room, and has recovered..unlike myself who has the image of this talking neck burned into my brain. forever.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Change is scary..

A couple of weeks ago, I got a call from my boss. She wanted me to come in for a meeting so that we could discuss my hours in the Scheduling Department. Grrrrreat. First, let me catch you up on my "job." I work in a local hospital scheduling outpatient diagnostic tests (ie. mammograms, ultrasounds, MRI's etc) I have been with the department since it's conception, for almost 14 years. When I first started, I was pregnant with my oldest son, and working full time. I went down to part time after he was born, then eventually I ended up with the shift I have often referred to as a stay at home mom's wet dream. Monday thru Friday, from 5:30pm to 7:00pm. It was my escape, especially when my children were little. I would be running for the door when my husband got home. Dinner was fixed, he would serve it, and I would get a break from the walls of my house. For 10 years, I have been doing this! I'll admit, it's lost it's charm a bit. Now that my kids are older, and in school full time, there are days when having to get dinner ready and eat before 5 is a total pain in the ass. Or when the school announces open house the day before, and I have to try and talk my boss into a night off. However, I've wanted to "keep my foot in the door" so that eventually, I could get something full time (not that I ever would, but my husband likes to put it this way..working full time in an office would kill me, remember?)
Immediately after I spoke with my boss, I called my sister. She works at the same hospital, and used to work in scheduling also, but has moved on up to a supervisor, but we still have the same boss. She knew nothing about why I was being called in.
My meeting was the next day, and that was when I was told that my hours were being cut. The office was going to close earlier, in an attemept to save the hospital money. After I stopped crying (one day, I won't be so weak.. I just know it!) My boss told me that I had options. Of course none of those options included me staying in the office that I have been going to for over 13 years. But instead, would thrust me into the public, in the warm welcoming arms of the Emergency Room. I have worked in this department before. Several years ago, when we needed extra money (like that's NOT everyday in my life..) I took on some hours over the weekend. Let me tell you, it's a different breed of people that go to the ER on a Saturday night. Not all of them, but certainly a majority of them, are drunk idiots who smell. Not to mention the fact that I worked with a nightmare of a woman who sucked the life out of the room.
So, that is how it's all gone down. I'm sad to be leaving the comfort of my quiet little cubical, to the front of the line so to speak. But I don't think I'm going to miss the difficulties that have been an issue lately with everyone's exta cirrucular activities. I'm not going to miss eating dinner at 4:30. I might miss some of the quiet time, but it's not as needed since all of my kids are in school full time.

No one likes change..at least I don't! The fear of the unknown, the realization that life is as unpredictable as it wants to be. What is meant to be, is meant to be..I'm embracing the positive change ahead, and trying not to freak! Wish me some mother effing luck! ;)


Monday, April 08, 2013

Our piano is no longer ours. sweet!!!!

A few years ago, my husband found a free piano on Craigslist. Since he is as frugal as they come, and musically inclined, he had to have it. He found 3 suckers to help him, and the piano became a piece of furniture in our playroom. I would have loved to witness someone having a lesson on that thing. I love the sound of piano playing throughout the house. This sadly, never became the case. It turned out to be something that I had to outlaw from use, especially with my sisters boys. No one ever tried to play it nicely, or figure out chopsticks, the one and only pathetic song I ever learned from my few years of piano lessons as a child. It became about seeing who could make the loudest noise on it, or who could move their fingers away quickest when they took turns slamming down the keyboard drawer. It became more work for me, not exactly what I envisioned.

Last month we did some rearranging. The girls were tired of having bunk beds. They wanted their own bed side by side. They had only ever slept on the bottom bunk together. It was getting crowded, and I knew neither one of them wanted the top. This seemed like it would solve their problem! Until I took the bunk apart and discovered that two twin beds equal a king, and there was no way in hell a king size bed would ever fit in their modest closet of a room. It was when my husband came home later and saw the floor of beds that had become my girls room and commented on the fact that our house was too small, that I had the brilliant idea of giving the boys my sewing room/husbands music room in the finished basement and moving the girls into their brothers room, which is far bigger than their lame tiny little digs. Surprisingly the boys agreed and thus started a month of me moving everyone from here to there..from up to down..it sucked. But it's done. And everyone is relatively happy..with the exception of myself, but only because my almost 10 year old insists every night that I come down to his room and tuck him in..which wouldnt be so bad if I wasn't such a lazy fuck!

So back to the piano..Well, it had been in the sewing room since we had gotten it a few years back. It was the only place that we could put it since it weighs a gazillion pounds. Upon moving the kids rooms, and trying to obtain "minimalist" status (something my husband has desired since our 3rd and 4th child was cut from my womb, and something I pretty much gauffed at because, duh, we have 4 kids..we are pretty much the polar opposite of a minimalist!) however, I'm not a above exploiting those desires, so I mentioned how much room we would be saving if we got rid of the piano. He had that bad boy posted back on Craigslist, in the free section, and gone by the weekend. Coincidentially, the family who took it are related to me (naturally, since I can't seem to turn around without running into a long lost cousin twice removed.. that I never knew existed!)

Its been a nice change, for both the girls and the boys. They were all in need of some stretching out. And I might say I've been able to stretch out as well, no kids kicking me in the face all night, and no husband either as he insists the couch is more comfortable than our bed, the bed that we've known as long as we've known each other. Who am I to argue? ;) as long as we're all happy! And sleeping of course!



Tuesday, April 02, 2013


My kids are funny. They totally get their sense of humor from me! It's not always appropriate, but it is always funny.
The other day, I was sitting at the computer (a rare event in my house!) When I felt something in my back pocket. It was a decent sized hair ball, most likely wound up in the dryer, and no doubt mine, as it would seem that I am in a constant state of hair loss. Both my boys were behind me, over my shoulder waiting for me to finish up on line so that they could get on to Minecraft..their newest fad, when I dropped the ball of hair on the counter next to the computer. This was too much for them and all I heard was "gross...." and "eww..." Not a minute later, my youngest son ripped a fart so loud, and so juicy, that I thought he might have crapped his pants! Immediately, I voiced my disgust.. "GROSS!!" to which he replies, "And your hairball isn't?" and because I'm such a great mom, I couldn't help but say "yea, well, that hairball didn't come out of my ASS!" to which he quickly retorts "We don't know that!"
I made my oldest son write it down. I wanted to share it with his dad, (we omitted ass for butt though since he's a better parent than me! ;) Then we laughed til it hurt...

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Growing Up..


Im not sure how to stop this process..this whole growing up business, or how to slow it down. I try to soak it all in, to slow myself down long enough to be present in these fleeting moments. It's hard not to get caught up in the hustle of my daily insanity, and just wish for the sun to set and rise again in the hopes of a better day. I have had times where I wished that life had a fast forward button. The girls infancy, and all 3 of my pregnancies were times I wished I could have skipped a frame or two!

Yet, here I am now. My oldest son is almost a teenager, my youngest son will be hitting double digits soon. And my twins are turning 7 this summer. I no longer think of the fast forward button..but I wouldn't mind a pause button..even a rewind one.

This past week, my oldest son received the Student of the Month award (again!) Last May, he received it for the first time. It's a surprise to the students, and no one knows until the assembly when they see their parents sitting in the front row. I am so immensely proud of this boy. One of his teachers introduced him, and explained why he was chosen. I had to fight back the tears as she described my son. He is everything she said. Kind, unassuming, helpful to others. Smart, thoughtful, and an all around great person. MY kid! I have only ever wanted a few simple things for my kids. To feel loved, and secure, and to have an inherent sense of right and wrong. I have spent many nights laying in bed thinking, and worrying. I really never had much stability growing up. We moved a lot, and the one constant in my life was my grandparents and the house they owned, a place I spent most of my childhood. I know that late night thinking, is never rational, not for me anyway. It's when the darkness of my house creeps into my thoughts. I wonder if I'm doing this whole mom thing ok. I worry that my husband and I aren't providing them with enough life experiences, like a vacation to Disney, which I have sworn and still do, that if I ever have enough money to take them to Disney, I still won't.. There are way more interesting places to take them with that kinda money! It's usually not until I see my therapist, and explain all of this to her, that I realize im looking at the glass sort of half empty, rather that almost full. I am so worried about my children not having a childhood like mine (which by the way wasn't always terrible, I do have many good memories from it! I'm not as broken as I may be leading you to believe here!) that I dont realize how completely different their upbringing has been in comparison to mine. All the things I would have wanted for my own childhood, I am providing to my own kids. It's a pretty gratifying feeling, not o think you totally suck! Everyone should try it!