Friday, August 09, 2013


We took the kids camping this week..camping is a lot of fucking work! But this time we went to a new place. Normally, we go to White Lake, which is a lovely campground, but has no hook ups for our little pop up tent. This time, I thought we would go to one that has a few more perks. Electricity. Water. Wifi. A little piece of heaven. But still a lot of fucking work. The campground itself was ok. It was just up the road from White Lake. It was small, the beach sucked, there was a pool (which the kids loved) and not one mosquito, which I found just weird. We stayed 3 nights, and I slept like shit for all of them. The first full day at the campground, we left and took the kids tubing down the Saco River. I hadn't been on the Saco since my senior year in high school, when a bunch of my friends and I did a camping trip after graduation. It's changed a lot, and there were quite a few people in tubes, floating down the river. I wish I had realized that water shoes would have been smart..or that sunscreen works better when you don't forget it in your car..2 miles down the road. My kids loved it though, and thankfully, their half Portuguese skintone makes them tan..and not burn. Halfway down, we stopped at a beach along the river and had lunch. We were exhausted by time we got back to camp, but that doesn't mean that I got to take a nap, or lay down. It meant, that everyone was still hungry, and that I had to feed them. Another perk to this campground, was a gas grill at your site! That was THE BEST! Seriously, campstoves, and open fire cooking suck compared to a gas grill! I might have to insist we take ours next time we go to White Lake (that, and a generator, because having power was great!) We came home today. We woke up this morning to some rain, and then some downpours, just as my husband and I were breaking everything down. It was fun getting in the car, and driving home soaking wet. Not as much fun as getting it unpacked though..if I smell campfire again, it'll be too soon. I haven't completely unloaded the camper yet..quite frankly, I'm scared to. The smell this morning was a combination of bacon, 10 year old boy farts, and bad breath. I'm not exactly looking forward to revisiting it anytime soon..Despite the smells, and the moments when I wanted to throttle a kid or two, it was still a lot of fun, and another memory for their childhood vault! Here's the 6 of us on a little hike..and a moment that I begged them all to shut up and smile!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

forty one

I turned 41 today. There were no strokes, unlike last year. And my husband remembered it (unlike last year.) No drama, or stress, or tears, or worry. Just another birthday. Mellow and low key..perfection! My kids have one more week of school, and then summer vacation. Roughly 9 weeks of nothing to do, and barely a care in the world. We've had our pool up now for over a month. We were able to go in it around Memorial Day weekend when we had a small heat wave. It was wonderful. We threw in the a/c, and ran out of towels from all the trips in the pool (and my kids inability to remember to use the same towel!) That was the last of the heat. Since then it's been more or less raining, sorta cold, and just generally crappy. Summer does not appear to be in a rush to get here, but I won't be seeing as much of it as I would like, due to the fact that I'm going to be working a lot more this summer, and my husband will be home with the kids. My new job in the ER is going well. It's an entirely different world working in an emergency room. It's barely been 2 months, and I've seen more blood, more gashes, tick bites, severed fingers and dog bites than I ever thought I would witness in my lifetime. I've got some great stories already, like the man who checked in after he accidentally cut his neck while using a saw. The nurse that was sitting next to me, asked to see it, thinking it would be something benign, and easy to fix. He was afterall, just standing there with a towel on his throat, and had driven in. How bad could it be? I wish I had looked away, or had been doing something else. Instead, I was focused on this man, this poor man, who had no idea the severity of his injury, until I saw it, and gasped. I'm pretty sure the entire waiting room heard my gasp, and I have no doubt that they all saw me cover my mouth just to stop the long horrified gasp from escaping any further. There was an opening in this guys neck. I'm pretty sure it winked at me, or at least tried talking to me. It was 3 inches long, an inch wide, right across his jugular. He was sent to the Operating Room, and has recovered..unlike myself who has the image of this talking neck burned into my brain. forever.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Change is scary..

A couple of weeks ago, I got a call from my boss. She wanted me to come in for a meeting so that we could discuss my hours in the Scheduling Department. Grrrrreat. First, let me catch you up on my "job." I work in a local hospital scheduling outpatient diagnostic tests (ie. mammograms, ultrasounds, MRI's etc) I have been with the department since it's conception, for almost 14 years. When I first started, I was pregnant with my oldest son, and working full time. I went down to part time after he was born, then eventually I ended up with the shift I have often referred to as a stay at home mom's wet dream. Monday thru Friday, from 5:30pm to 7:00pm. It was my escape, especially when my children were little. I would be running for the door when my husband got home. Dinner was fixed, he would serve it, and I would get a break from the walls of my house. For 10 years, I have been doing this! I'll admit, it's lost it's charm a bit. Now that my kids are older, and in school full time, there are days when having to get dinner ready and eat before 5 is a total pain in the ass. Or when the school announces open house the day before, and I have to try and talk my boss into a night off. However, I've wanted to "keep my foot in the door" so that eventually, I could get something full time (not that I ever would, but my husband likes to put it this way..working full time in an office would kill me, remember?)
Immediately after I spoke with my boss, I called my sister. She works at the same hospital, and used to work in scheduling also, but has moved on up to a supervisor, but we still have the same boss. She knew nothing about why I was being called in.
My meeting was the next day, and that was when I was told that my hours were being cut. The office was going to close earlier, in an attemept to save the hospital money. After I stopped crying (one day, I won't be so weak.. I just know it!) My boss told me that I had options. Of course none of those options included me staying in the office that I have been going to for over 13 years. But instead, would thrust me into the public, in the warm welcoming arms of the Emergency Room. I have worked in this department before. Several years ago, when we needed extra money (like that's NOT everyday in my life..) I took on some hours over the weekend. Let me tell you, it's a different breed of people that go to the ER on a Saturday night. Not all of them, but certainly a majority of them, are drunk idiots who smell. Not to mention the fact that I worked with a nightmare of a woman who sucked the life out of the room.
So, that is how it's all gone down. I'm sad to be leaving the comfort of my quiet little cubical, to the front of the line so to speak. But I don't think I'm going to miss the difficulties that have been an issue lately with everyone's exta cirrucular activities. I'm not going to miss eating dinner at 4:30. I might miss some of the quiet time, but it's not as needed since all of my kids are in school full time.

No one likes least I don't! The fear of the unknown, the realization that life is as unpredictable as it wants to be. What is meant to be, is meant to be..I'm embracing the positive change ahead, and trying not to freak! Wish me some mother effing luck! ;)


Monday, April 08, 2013

Our piano is no longer ours. sweet!!!!

A few years ago, my husband found a free piano on Craigslist. Since he is as frugal as they come, and musically inclined, he had to have it. He found 3 suckers to help him, and the piano became a piece of furniture in our playroom. I would have loved to witness someone having a lesson on that thing. I love the sound of piano playing throughout the house. This sadly, never became the case. It turned out to be something that I had to outlaw from use, especially with my sisters boys. No one ever tried to play it nicely, or figure out chopsticks, the one and only pathetic song I ever learned from my few years of piano lessons as a child. It became about seeing who could make the loudest noise on it, or who could move their fingers away quickest when they took turns slamming down the keyboard drawer. It became more work for me, not exactly what I envisioned.

Last month we did some rearranging. The girls were tired of having bunk beds. They wanted their own bed side by side. They had only ever slept on the bottom bunk together. It was getting crowded, and I knew neither one of them wanted the top. This seemed like it would solve their problem! Until I took the bunk apart and discovered that two twin beds equal a king, and there was no way in hell a king size bed would ever fit in their modest closet of a room. It was when my husband came home later and saw the floor of beds that had become my girls room and commented on the fact that our house was too small, that I had the brilliant idea of giving the boys my sewing room/husbands music room in the finished basement and moving the girls into their brothers room, which is far bigger than their lame tiny little digs. Surprisingly the boys agreed and thus started a month of me moving everyone from here to there..from up to sucked. But it's done. And everyone is relatively happy..with the exception of myself, but only because my almost 10 year old insists every night that I come down to his room and tuck him in..which wouldnt be so bad if I wasn't such a lazy fuck!

So back to the piano..Well, it had been in the sewing room since we had gotten it a few years back. It was the only place that we could put it since it weighs a gazillion pounds. Upon moving the kids rooms, and trying to obtain "minimalist" status (something my husband has desired since our 3rd and 4th child was cut from my womb, and something I pretty much gauffed at because, duh, we have 4 kids..we are pretty much the polar opposite of a minimalist!) however, I'm not a above exploiting those desires, so I mentioned how much room we would be saving if we got rid of the piano. He had that bad boy posted back on Craigslist, in the free section, and gone by the weekend. Coincidentially, the family who took it are related to me (naturally, since I can't seem to turn around without running into a long lost cousin twice removed.. that I never knew existed!)

Its been a nice change, for both the girls and the boys. They were all in need of some stretching out. And I might say I've been able to stretch out as well, no kids kicking me in the face all night, and no husband either as he insists the couch is more comfortable than our bed, the bed that we've known as long as we've known each other. Who am I to argue? ;) as long as we're all happy! And sleeping of course!



Tuesday, April 02, 2013


My kids are funny. They totally get their sense of humor from me! It's not always appropriate, but it is always funny.
The other day, I was sitting at the computer (a rare event in my house!) When I felt something in my back pocket. It was a decent sized hair ball, most likely wound up in the dryer, and no doubt mine, as it would seem that I am in a constant state of hair loss. Both my boys were behind me, over my shoulder waiting for me to finish up on line so that they could get on to Minecraft..their newest fad, when I dropped the ball of hair on the counter next to the computer. This was too much for them and all I heard was "gross...." and "eww..." Not a minute later, my youngest son ripped a fart so loud, and so juicy, that I thought he might have crapped his pants! Immediately, I voiced my disgust.. "GROSS!!" to which he replies, "And your hairball isn't?" and because I'm such a great mom, I couldn't help but say "yea, well, that hairball didn't come out of my ASS!" to which he quickly retorts "We don't know that!"
I made my oldest son write it down. I wanted to share it with his dad, (we omitted ass for butt though since he's a better parent than me! ;) Then we laughed til it hurt...

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Growing Up..


Im not sure how to stop this process..this whole growing up business, or how to slow it down. I try to soak it all in, to slow myself down long enough to be present in these fleeting moments. It's hard not to get caught up in the hustle of my daily insanity, and just wish for the sun to set and rise again in the hopes of a better day. I have had times where I wished that life had a fast forward button. The girls infancy, and all 3 of my pregnancies were times I wished I could have skipped a frame or two!

Yet, here I am now. My oldest son is almost a teenager, my youngest son will be hitting double digits soon. And my twins are turning 7 this summer. I no longer think of the fast forward button..but I wouldn't mind a pause button..even a rewind one.

This past week, my oldest son received the Student of the Month award (again!) Last May, he received it for the first time. It's a surprise to the students, and no one knows until the assembly when they see their parents sitting in the front row. I am so immensely proud of this boy. One of his teachers introduced him, and explained why he was chosen. I had to fight back the tears as she described my son. He is everything she said. Kind, unassuming, helpful to others. Smart, thoughtful, and an all around great person. MY kid! I have only ever wanted a few simple things for my kids. To feel loved, and secure, and to have an inherent sense of right and wrong. I have spent many nights laying in bed thinking, and worrying. I really never had much stability growing up. We moved a lot, and the one constant in my life was my grandparents and the house they owned, a place I spent most of my childhood. I know that late night thinking, is never rational, not for me anyway. It's when the darkness of my house creeps into my thoughts. I wonder if I'm doing this whole mom thing ok. I worry that my husband and I aren't providing them with enough life experiences, like a vacation to Disney, which I have sworn and still do, that if I ever have enough money to take them to Disney, I still won't.. There are way more interesting places to take them with that kinda money! It's usually not until I see my therapist, and explain all of this to her, that I realize im looking at the glass sort of half empty, rather that almost full. I am so worried about my children not having a childhood like mine (which by the way wasn't always terrible, I do have many good memories from it! I'm not as broken as I may be leading you to believe here!) that I dont realize how completely different their upbringing has been in comparison to mine. All the things I would have wanted for my own childhood, I am providing to my own kids. It's a pretty gratifying feeling, not o think you totally suck! Everyone should try it!





Monday, February 25, 2013

Winter break blues...

My kids are on February vacation this week. It’s hard to believe that it’s been 6 weeks since their last vacation, in another 6 weeks, it’ll be spring vacation, and just 6 more weeks after that, summer! Hurry the hell up, please. This winter is killing me. Unlike our last winter, which was mild, and almost completely void of snow, this year we have seen more of the white stuff than any hard core junkie has seen in their lifetime. It has been wreaking havoc on my plans, which pisses me off to no end. This past weekend was supposed to be my weekend away with the girls..and no, not my 6 year old girls, but my girls that I have known for almost 25 years. It’s no easy feat either to schedule a weekend away, but we did it, and then the god damn mother fucking snow killed it. Enough already!
Many people I know, have taken their families away on vacation. Somewhere tropical, and exciting. Somewhere away from here. To those people, I say, suck it. Hard. My family on the other hand is spending this week catching up on our yearly physicals, eye exams, and mammograms. Why would we want to go anywhere else, when we can stay right here and wait for more snow to fall? Which apparently is going to happen again in 2 days. Fanfuckingtastic!
wow, that felt good. Rather cathartic! But I'm done, and now I can rant about others things! Today was my boys yearly physicals. My youngest son was up first. He's growing like a weed, and is as healthy as can be. He did however, fail their eye screening exam. The nurse told me he had a hard time seeing most of the words and came back with 20/70 vision. She recommended that he see an optometrist and have an official exam performed. The minute the nurse left the room, he looked at me and said "I am not wearing glasses. I don't care if I need them, which I don't, but if they say I do, i won't." all the while fighting back tears. I reminded him of some friends he had who wore glasses, and that his brother did! I made him try to read a part of a sign in the doctors office, which he couldn't, but he claimed it was because the letters were in green, and he's not to used to reading in green. Um, ok. Then I told him how i always wanted glasses, and how jealous i was when my sister got them in the 6th grade, and i didn't. If there was one of my kids that I thought would never need glasses it would be him. As accident prone as he's always been, it always seemed to be because his body couldn't slow down. Not because he couldn't see where he was going! We shall see though. I've made an appointment with our eye doctor and we'll know in a couple of weeks. I hope for his sake that he simply choked on the eye exam. It's possible that nerves got the better of him, and he just said fuck it. He's more like me than he knows!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The Hallmark Holiday..

I am beyond tired today. I was up past midnight making Valentines day cards for my girls first grade class. I did this last year too, it took me forever, and when I mentioned doing it again this year, my girls freaked. There are a few kids in their class this year that were in it last year, and how embarrassing would it be to give out the same old crappy homemade cards! I reassured them that I would make brand new crappy cards, and would save them the embarrassment. Good lord, those two are something else!
My husband (who is 12 weeks post op from his shoulder surgery and coming along just fine) came home from work today and asked if I would like to go out with him for dinner Friday night.  I guess for valentines day. For as long as I've known him, he has been strictly opposed to valentines day. Often calling it the "Hallmark Holiday", just another way for the retail industry to bleed us dry. I won't say that I disagree, but who cares? It's one stupid day out of our stupid lives to tell the people around us, that we love them. So, yea, I guess you could say I was surprised by his probably also means that he hasn't gotten me a card, and most likely won't until our date on Friday night, at which point all the cards will be marked down 50%, and he will have won his independent war with hallmark. Do I know him or what?

My fourth grader has a party in his classroom tomorrow, and I have no idea what is planned in the girls class. I'm sure there was a note about it, and its probably in one of the towering piles of stuff, on the counter in my kitchen. It's not the best way to keep it all "together" but I work best under pressure. If I know too much ahead of time, it'll just stress me out. Call me a fly by the seat kinda girl,  but 9 times out of 10, it works. Unfortunately for my husband, that one time that it doesn't work, is usually when I've delegated something for him to do. An example would be when I asked him to go to the parent teacher conference for our 4th grader (because i was gonna be busy buying presale tickets for a mumford and sons show-shut up, i know!) only to find out that I had sent him to the wrong parent teacher conference. Oopsie.  He was mortified when he showed up to find out our appointment wasn't until the next day! Not as mortified as I was when the girls teacher called me moments after my husband had chewed me a new one, to see if I was coming in for our meeting. But you know what? There's a lot to remember with 4 kids..there's a lot to remember with just ME! So, I go about it the best I can. I try not to get far behind on what needs to get done, I put a lot of shit on my iPhone (which works famously if you enter the information correctly, I might need a smarter phone, if you know what I mean!)  i have lists and calendars, post it's. I have it all. One day, I'll get my shit completely together..until then, I'm hoping for forgiveness of my faults..some compassion, a little bit of empathy, and a fabulous Valentines Day..  here's a few of the lame cards I made.. ;)

Wednesday, January 09, 2013're an asshat!

It's been almost a year since I contacted Bruno Reversade, a scientist based out of Singapore, who was interviewed in the January 2012 National Geographic article about twins. He's been all over the world, swabbing the cheeks of every twin he can find. When I initially contacted him with my own twin story, asking him if he'd come across another one like ours, he immediately responded and forwarded me a picture of a set of male twins in the UK, who had fathered identical twins. He had not heard of any female id. twins who had each given birth to identical twins. He sounded quite excited about my story, and asked me if my family and I would participate in his study. I agreed, and asked him if he would pass on my contact info to the twins in the UK, and that I would love to talk to another set of twins who have shared our experience. He said he would pass on my info, and then requested that I do a pedigree, or a family tree, and list as many twins as I could find. I obliged, signed up to (which costs an arm and a leg by the way). Sent him  my fine family tree, and then  never heard back from him again.
I emailed him a couple of weeks after I had sent out my hard work, wondering if he had ever gotten my email. Nothing. A couple of weeks after that, I sent him this:

not sure what's up.. maybe you ran out of cheek swabs? maybe my emails don't reach Singapore?? I have no idea..but it's kinda rude. I just wanted to get some contact info on that set of twins in the UK, the set of twins that I have been searching for for 5 years..soooo again, unless you're dead, which I suspect your not, could you reply either way? "

Maybe that's a little harsh, but still. RUDE! I have no idea why that assbag never got back in touch with me. I am a bit suspicious however, and I  know this sounds paranoid, but I believe it has to do with his current study on linking twins genetically and the male twins in the UK. There was an International Twin conference held in Italy last spring, and the fine doctor presented his male twins. I don't know what his presentation was about, but in my paranoid brain I've come up with the idea that he was trying to get funding, or an award for his continued work on proving that identical twins are somehow linked to genetics. Perhaps he's been focusing on the male genes and my story would just put a kibosh on his theory somehow. I don't know, it is rude either way. I have issues with being pushed aside, and blown off.. can't help it. I can only hope that he's got a google alert for anything written about him. And if he does, then suck it Reversade!

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

It was a cold, fall night, and despite being grounded, I was about to head out to bring my older sister  some Motrin at work. Her cramps were awful, and I was more than obliged to take advantage of my mom attending one of her continuing ed. classes and sneak out. She would never know.  My boyfriend was more than willing to drive me to my sister's job, just so that he could have a minute or two alone with his sweetie.
We were leaving my house, when at the end of the driveway, he leaned over and kissed me. It was sweet, but if he hadn't, we would have avoided the accident we were about to get into about a mile up the road. He was driving his parents Chevy Celebrity, a Memere and Pepe car if there ever was one! We were rounding a corner, and that's when I saw the oncoming truck, taking a left and cutting right in front of us. I wasn't wearing a seat belt (the last time I ever made that decision) and I don't remember much more about the accident, except for a loud crash, breaking glass, then silence, then my name being shouted by my boyfriend. When I awoke from the crash, I was on the floor of the front seat. My side of the car was completely crushed in, as I felt pieces of tooth crumbling in my mouth, all I thought of was getting out of the car before it burst into flames. I had no idea if in fact it was gonna do that, but it always does in the movies, and at age 16, that was pretty much reality to me. It took all my strength to kick the door open, but somehow I did. I have never been so scared, in all my life. I was literally shaking. We were then met by the man who had hit us, assaulting us with questions about why we hadn't stopped..why did we just keep going.. Well, sir. We didn't stop, because there was no stop sign. Clearly, he was in the wrong, and we had witnesses to that effect. It didn't stop me from shaking. All I wanted to do was leave. I wanted to go home and pretend that this had never happened. After the police arrived, and determined that we were ok, they allowed us to walk to my boyfriends house, which was less than a mile down the road. From there, I called my older sister and had her come get me. His parents weren't so concerned about how we were, but more concerned for their dear car, which was totalled, but I believed they had fixed anyway. It was their love.
I arrived home before my mom had gotten back from her class and quickly went to bed. It wasn't until the following morning, that I confessed about my sneaking out and told her about the accident. She was furious that I had disobeyed her, but more furious that the police had just let us walk away. How did they know there wasn't anything wrong with us?? We ended up spending a good part of the day at the E.R. having xrays and what not, to make sure I hadn't broken anything.. I hadn't, and I was fine. I had chipped my two front teeth, and had a couple of loose ones, but a trip to the dentist for some filing, and I was fine. The loose ones held their own, and that was that. It was roughly 4 months later that I started having problems with my jaw. It kept locking on me, and the only way to unlock it was to move my lower jaw back and forth til it unlocked. I eventually ended up seeing an oral surgeon, who did an MRI and discovered that the disc inside my jaw (the meniscus) had slipped, and was causing my jaw to lock. The only fix was surgery, in which the doctor would pull the disc back up in place, and hope for the best. Recovering from surgery sucked, as it would, but the part that was suckier than that was when it slipped again less than a year later, and I had to have another operation in which to just remove the disc. Something that my doctor did not want to do to someone so young..since I would most likely have problems with it when I was older.
24 years later, and my jaw is fine. I remember the doctor telling me that I would most likely have problems with it when I hit 40, and that arthritis would likely set in. I'm patiently waiting, but happy to report that it's given me no problems thus far. Only time will tell..
Three years after the accident, I met my future husband. It wasn't until our 2nd or 3rd date, that he took me out in his mom's car. A Chevy Celebrity. Same make and model, different color..different boy..different time. I only drove in it a few times, until I got my own car (a geo metro, another chevy brand) which suited both my boyfriend and I just fine. I won't ever forget that night, when for a split second I passed out, fallen to the floor of the car. And I won't forget how I realized something so small, like a kiss, could alter your life forever.

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