Perspective

I have said this before, and I will probably say it til I die, or til I move away from my home state (which will never ever happen) but fall is my least favorite season. The crisp air, and the changing leaves only put me in a foul mood. Forever, I've been trying to change my outlook on fall. I'll tell myself how great it will be to wear my favorite jeans, or my most comfy sweaters. Sometimes that works, but not this year. I've been struggling with the fact that all my kids, are now in school full time. I've been waiting for this, forever. Now that it's here, I find myself wondering "now what?" I can only justify staying home until my sisters boys are in school full time as well, and even with their pre school schedule, I still feel a bit of guilt for not being gainfully employed outside of the home. That thought, the thought of having some sort of 9-5 job makes me shudder. I am pretty sure I will die if I have to work in an office somewhere..yup, death is the only outcome of that scenario.
I know this is annoying to my husband, as he is constantly worried about money, and our lack there of. But if he had to put a price tag on my job as a mother, for the past 12 years, it would be a figure that would most likely shock him. Money aside, staying home with my kids has been something that I am hoping will have an impact on their lives, well into adulthood. A stability that one can only understand if you've never lacked it.  I've been lucky to get to be home with them. I've made sacrifices that go unnoticed, and being a mom is a thankless position. No one ever gives you a raise, or even a pat on the back. Not once have I heard, "good job with the kids today" or "don't know what we'd do without you here" But I haven't done it for the praise, and I certainly haven't done it for the pay. I have done it because, 1.) I could, and 2.) because I never had that growing up. I never came home after school to my mom, waiting for me, wondering how my day was.  When I wasn't at my grandmother's, then I was home with my sisters and my asshole brother.  My mom had to work, and she worked a lot. My childhood was far different than the one I am giving my own children. They have not felt the pain of divorce, or the havoc it reeks on your self esteem.  They haven't wondered if we'll be moving again soon, or if they'll see their dad again. They are happy kids, and well adjusted. Sometimes I have to remind them of how good they've got it. When we were camping this summer I sorta kinda lost my shit when the 3 youngest ones were having meltdowns because our computer had died, and they weren't going to be able to watch a movie.  (yes, we really rough it when we go camping!) I finally broke down, and told them that it was hardly the end of the world, and that people have had harder things in life to go through.  I told them that when I was their age, my parents had divorced, we had moved 5 times, and I barely got to see my dad. So, if they thought that the computer dying was the worst thing that could happen, then they had better think again. This outburst of mine had been a long time coming.  I ended it with tears streaming down my face, looking weak and foolish. My 9 year old son didn't say a word, he just stretched out his arms to hug me. It was a sweet gesture, and he hugged me tight. I felt awful after that, using my own childhood as a means to parent them, but then I thought of how important it was that they understood my perspective, and maybe gain some of their own, and really, if I've learned anything about being a parent, it's about taking what you've been given, and give them 10 times more. That's how it is for me anyway.
So, back to fall..and what I'm gonna do about not loathing it so much.. I'm going to become more involved in my community. Coaching my son's soccer team is a start to that. I'm going to promote my bag business more..remember that?   I'm going to suck it up, go back on my prozac (looks like I picked the wrong season to stop taking that!!) And I'm going to keep it in perspective, because that my bitches, is EVERYTHING! xo